The What If Files of Harry Potter
by Iba Soloway
Summary: What if this and that happened in the Harry Potter World? You never know. My second What IF file....think I over did it...lol.
1. What If: Voldemort was a woman?

  
  


Iba's Notes: Ahh, I think this was a great idea. Peeps who review me, gimme suggestions of Harry Potter "What If"'s, and I'll be glad to write a short chapter on it. Now...for today's what if...   
  
  
  
  
  
  


WHAT IF: Voldemort was a Woman? ((submitted by BeholdtheVoid))

  
  
  
  


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We find Harry Potter, and his poor minor friends that never get any kind of credit for anything (oh, it's just so sad), once again, duking it out with the evilist of EEEEEEEEVIL, Lady Voldemort. (Not Him.) 

Lady Voldemort twirled her long dark and gave a high laugh. "You will NEVER defeat me, Potter," she said arrogantly. Then fanned a hand at him in dismissal. "Why don't you just go home and cry about in your mummy's lap? Oh I forgot I killed her. AHAHAHAHAHAHHHH!!!" 

Her laughed ceased with a hack and cough, then went on again. 

Harry let out a low growl and shook his fist. "How dare you insult my mum... you whore..." 

"What was that?!" Lady Voldemort snapped, after turning from her make-up mirror to look at him. She then fluffed her mane of hair, and pulled out her wand. "What do you say to a little duel? Either of you?" 

She jabbed her wand in Harry's and Ron's general direction, but they both put their hands up. 

"Dude, I don't curse girls," Harry stated. 

"Me neither," Ron agreed. 

"Oh, move over you pansies," Hermione said, knocking the two of them aside. "I'll do it." 

"Kuh." Voldemort looked at Hermione in disgust. "But I have to fight Harry Potter! Because I HATE HIM SOOOOOOO. He made my mascara run when he was a baby....by pissing in my face!!! He shall DIE!!!" 

"Too bad," Hermione put on her game face and took out her wand as well. "You want Potter, you're going to have to get through me first!" 

"Son of a bitch, Harry," Ron whined. "You ALWAYS get the girls." 

Harry shrugged at him, showing with little sincerity that if he could actually have cared. 

Hermione and Lady Voldemort ended up using disarming spells on eachother at the same time...(surprise, eh?). AND SO NOW, the two were both helpless against the other. 

"What the hell are you two whores doing?" Harry shouted. "Start fighting." 

"B-but....we don't have our wands..." Hermione cried. 

"You stupid whores," Harry sighed. "Use your fists, and your girly fingernails, and don't forget to yell constant insults at eachother." 

The two shrugged and went straight into a cat fight. Clawing, scratching, biting..little punching. Random things such as "slut" and "bitch" were heard, but Harry and Ron were too focused on the fight to hear what they were saying. 

Both of the Hogwarts boys were munching on popcorn, and wooting. 

After a while Hermione and Lady Voldemort had tired themselves out. 

As Lady Voldemort sat, and panted, she realized that her wand was lying right beside her. She grabbed it and stood up again with a laugh. "Haha! I have my wand and I shall kill you all!" 

Then the distant song of "ploomp" echoed from nowhere, and Lady Voldemort fell with a dart in her back. 

A man dressed as a large butterfly cheered. "The monarch butterfly has many ways of stinging!" 

"What in the bloody hell?" Was all Ron could say. 

"STOP TALKING YOU!" the butterfly shouted and shot them all down with his darts. 

And they all fell. 

***

Harry awoke in the Hogwarts infirmary just like in all of his other books after the fight with Voldemort, with Dumbledore lurching over him as creepy as ever. 

"Well Mr. Dumbledore, Sir!" Harry said. "What shocking and surprising secret have you to share with me today?!" 

"Well Harry..." He sounded dreamy and wheezy. "I secretly kissed you in your sleep. But you don't know about it." Dumbledore began twisting his beard. "Even though Lady Voldemort was knocked out as cold as you were, she somehow managed to escape my grasp again. But I only let that happen so every year Voldemort would put you in here, so I could molest you in your innocent sleep. Let's just hope we get that evil person next year." 

"Wow, that's swell. I think I'll go home now, so I can come back to school angry at my friends for ignoring me....again." Harry got up with a bit of blood mysteriously splirting from his leg. "And that is that! Gee, I hope the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher isn't another weirdo you pick up from the sailor bar, Mr. Dumbledore." 

Dumbledore nodded. "And HOW!"   
  
  
  


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Feh...okay this didn't turn out as good as I had planned. Either give me suggestions for another What If file, or flame me and I'll just tear this fic down to make all of you happy. 


	2. What If: Snape was a giant pear?

  
  
  
  


Iba's notes: Well it's been a long time since I've updated this thing too....oh well.   
  
  


WHAT IF: Professor Snape was a giant pear? ((Idea submitted by Danre Winac))

  
  
  
  
  


"Professor! We're so sorr..." Harry tripped over Malfoys extended leg, and Ron followed after Harry. "...sorry." 

Snape watch Malfoy pull his foot back underneath his desk, easily dismissed it. However he was not going to as easily dismiss Harry and Ron for being late again. "Stand up, boy." 

Harry slowly stood up with his head bowing down, yet he was impelled to look up at Snape. Snape's yellow lightbulb-shaped body and light fuzz pulled at the corner of his mouth. 

"What are you smiling at?!" Snape spat at him, and hopped his round body forward. "Stop your smiling!" 

Harry squealed like a girl when Snape rolled over on him and pinned him to the floor. All of the other students ignored it, but Ron was looking down at Harry, wide eyed. 

"I'm sorry sir!" Harry pleaded, then inhaled that sweet, lucious aroma. He bit his lip, rather than letting himself bite into that soft, yet frail skin. "Please sir! Get off of me!" 

Then the sound of someone that of biting into an apple came from behind Snape. 

"Ahh! Who the hell did that?!" he spun around to see Pansy Parkins pretending to busily do her work as juice dribbled down her chin. She was trying not to chew the wonderful texture in her mouth. "Miss Parkins! Slytherin or not! Detention to you, assbiter!" 

But Pansy did not look sad, or afraid of Snape. She merely looked up to him and bit into the piece in her mouth. 

Ernie came out of nowhere and dug his hand into Snapes side, and he screamed in pain, and pulled out a healthy piece of fruit. 

"Detention to you, Ernie!" Snape cried. Then the rest of the class got up and began walking towards Snape like zombies. "What...what are you all doing?! Sit down!" Before long, Snape was trapped on top of his desk, with students on all sides. "All of you stop this! It isn't funny!" 

Everyone's eyes looked upon him, wide and with hunger. Little hands reached up to him with drool coming out of their little mouths. 

"KILL THE HOBBITS!" Gollum and Peeves popped in the background, singing, then left. 

Snape's screams could be heard a mile from the school as the children feasted on him like a murder of crows pecking at a single worm. 

"What is all this?" Professor McGonagal burst in, but the students ignored her. "Hot damn!" she exclaimed, leaping into the air, transforming into a cat and contributed to the devouring of poor professor Snape. 

Hours later when nothing but the pit was left of Snape, Filch walked in with a bucket and a mop, and observed Snapes deathbed of sticky pear juice. 

He groaned and dropped his tools. "I'm not cleanin' up this shit." O_o   
  
  
  


_The End_

  
  
  
  
  
  


Uhm....I think I over did it this time O_o;;; 


End file.
